A Testimony of Healing
I am not sure when I first
connected my
depression to my abortion. It may have been
when it dawned on me that MAYBE the reason I
felt so down around the Christmas season is
because that would have been the approximate
time of my baby's birth, had I continued the
pregnancy. Even though I had my abortion over
two decades ago, the depression over the past
several years seemed to worsen.
I knew it was an issue that needed resolved, but I
wasn't quite sure how to go about resolving it. I
also had a strong desire to grow closer to God, but
always felt that there was something keeping me
from having that close relationship with Him that I
wanted. I prayed often, "Lord, if there is anything
that is keeping me from drawing closer to You,
please help me remove it from my life." I had
been praying like this for some time, and as
Debbie suggested, God probably said, "Have I got
a Program for you!" The way everything fell into
place, there is no doubt in my mind that it was by
God's divine plan that I came to know about this
Ten-Step Program, and it was all in His perfect
timing. There were times in the process when I
wondered if the Program was going to work for
me, but I just reminded myself that God brought
me there, and He does everything for a purpose.
I really appreciated that this program was God-
centered. Each meeting began and ended with
Scripture verses being read, and personal prayer.
It gave me such peace to hear Debbie's prayers
for our meetings and her prayers for me
personally, to be helped and healed, and to know
that the Holy Spirit was in charge.
This whole Program was such a blessing for me.
Simply having someone to talk to about my
abortion was extremely helpful, but doing it
through this Ten-Step Program was the perfect
start to my healing. Even though at times it was
emotionally difficult, it was well worth every Step.
All of the Steps were very helpful, but I had a real
turning point after Steps Eight (Forgiveness) and
Nine (The Baby). After praying the prayer of
forgiveness in Step Eight for those people in my
life that I needed to forgive, I felt such peace. I
don't know how else to describe it except that I felt
lighter when I left our meeting that night. After
Step Nine, it was no longer just a pregnancy that I
terminated, but a child that I had come to love. I
still think of my child often, but it is no longer with
guilt, but with peace and love.
I know that my healing is just beginning, but I also
know that it is off to a great start. When I thank
God for all He has done for me, I feel a joy inside,
something that I had not felt in many years. One
of the last Scripture verses that was used in the
Program was Philippians 1:6, "For I am confident
of this very thing, that He who began a good work
in you will see it perfected until the day of Christ
Jesus." This verse is one that has always been
reassuring to me, and is so now more than ever.
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I
want to share with you the effectiveness of the 10-step
process.
Recently a woman read a letter she had written to the
father
of her baby as a follow-up to the 8th
step, forgiveness.
My
tears flowed as I heard what she had written.
This woman was angry and bitter when she began this
process, and as she finishes she is at peace, has forgiven
and wishes him well. Wow! The grace of God accomplishes
great things!
—Debbie Miller
Dear John,
I can’t believe I’m writing to you after all
these years. You have no clue how your actions or, should I
say, inactions have caused chaos in my life. I am 39 years
old now – not the 16 yr. old you knew. I am finally
in counseling to try to heal some of the hurt and pain from
losing our child, June 16, 1982. Yes, I lost our child to
abortion on that day – 22 years ago. Sometimes the
pain is so sharp and gut wrenching it feels like yesterday.
Your decision to leave me at a time when I desperately
needed help left me feeling acutely abandoned, scared and
so lonely. I could not and still can’t see how you
could turn your back on me when I felt we truly loved each
other. I know I loved you and really believed you loved me
– otherwise I would never had allowed you so close to
me in body and heart. I do believe your feelings for me
were of true love – you were just too young and too
scared to stand up and take responsibility for your
actions. How very sad for all of us. I wish we could have
stayed
together and tried to make a family. We would have had tons
of support from our families as soon as they
got used to the idea. But that’s not what happened.
The day my mom discovered I was pregnant, my aunt
was visiting us, and she told my mom she should take me to
have an abortion – “quickly, so it’s not
too late.” There are times I prayed it would have
been too late. I would have given birth to our son. Yes, I
always knew it was a boy, and his name is Jacob; and we
could have done our best to stay together and raise him.
Needless to say, that never happened. The abortion I had
has played havoc to my life. I have suffered so much from
the guilt, shame, anger and depression because of what I
did. The recovery process I have been going through for
several weeks now has shown me how to let go of
the guilt, to forgive myself as well as everyone I have
held in my heart, in contempt, because of the abortion -
those who were connected in one way or another. I always
felt that I tried to live a good life and I always loved
Our Lord, but I still felt I would go to hell when I died
because I committed the ultimate sin of murder, and it was
our own child that I killed! My facilitator has shown me
through love, support and amazing passages from the Bible
that God loves me so very much as His child and wants to
take all this from me if I will let go and give it to Him.
I finally, truly have. I feel such a weight has been lifted
from my soul and that is something only God can do. It is
also something I wish for you. Maybe it’s not
anything that you think of often, but I know it has
probably bothered you from time to time over the years. I
hope you still go to church and praise Our Lord. I hope you
have no hopelessness or bitterness in your heart. I would
like for you to acknowledge your hurt, the confusion and
fear you experienced at that time. I hope you feel you can
ask God’s forgiveness and even go to confession.
Lastly, I hope you know I loved you once and a part of me
probably always will. I hope you have gone on in your life
and found true love and had children to complete your life.
God has blessed me with my
dear husband of 20 years and blessed us with an amazing son
and precious daughter. But I can’t, nor ever will I
forget my first child, our child, little Jacob, who waits
for me in heaven in the arms of Our Savior.
Mary
(Printed
with permission. The names have been changed to protect
the privacy of the individuals.)
Clare’s Story
‘Clare’
is an assumed name to share her story.
Like so many other men and women, I believed that having an
abortion would correct what I viewed to be a mistake. Never
in my wildest dreams did I consider my child to be a
blessing.
In the days and
years that followed my abortion I lived in deep pain and in
total darkness. Right at the moment when my soul was in the
pits of despair and I was overcome with the most
indescribable agony, by divine grace, I was introduced to
the 10-Step Program.
I had no idea
what to anticipate and literally felt I was being led down
an unknown path blindfolded. For me, the journey was like a
boat ride going through un-chartered waters and it was
clearly the Holy Spirit in the captain’s seat.
The experience
was not all together a pleasant one, as this boat
encountered many violent storms and the process demanded
undying commitment and relentless faith.
But God is
merciful and Jesus used these 10- steps as His vessel for
healing my wounds and purifying me from my sins. The
program helped me uncover the root causes of my abortion
decision and gave me an opportunity to accept God’s
forgiveness and healing grace.
It
became clear that it was my choice to hold onto or
surrender the deeply buried hurts. By the grace of God and
with the help of my facilitator, I was able to choose the
path of love and forgiveness toward myself and others.
It’s hard
for me to believe that these 10-steps could have lead me to
the place that I am in today, but the truth is, I am
not
the
same!
I never thought
I could be restored and the running waters of God’s
love and grace could move through me again. But Jesus, once
again, has saved me and this time he used a woman named
Debbie Miller and Healing
Hidden Hurts 10-Step
Program.
Today there is
light and peace in my soul. No words can describe my
gratitude!
“...be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and put
on the new nature, created after the likeness of God in
true righteousness and holiness.”
Eph 4:
23