A Testimony of Healing
I am compelled to tell you how important Healing Hidden Hurts ministry has been for me because through this ministry, God revealed his deep love, mercy and grace to me. Of course, for many years, I wasn’t even aware that I needed all of that from Him because the decision to have an abortion took away my belief that I was worthy of all He has to offer.
It all started when I was nineteen and found myself pregnant with a child I truly wanted but my partner didn’t. We had different faiths and he had a career in architecture that he needed to pursue so before I could be happy over this child, an abortion appointment was made for me. I remember feeling numb and separated during this time in my life and soon after this awful day, my partner broke off our relationship of over 5 years. I sank into deep depression and had to leave college for a week just to be near family and someone who cared for me. I returned to school and completed my college degree but I blurred those years with alcohol, drugs and a less than virtuous life style ---basically looking for love and belonging that seemed to constantly elude me. Numbed as I was, I entered into a relationship that turned into a brief marriage filled with lies, drug use, adultery, and abuse. Somehow God protected me and gave me the strength to leave this marriage. At this time I returned to the church in pursuit of understanding this God who grasped my hand when I was in trouble. God has never stopped doing that….reaching out his hand to me….when He brought me to Healing Hidden Hurts I thought that most of His work had been done in my spirit and my heart but He had even more for me! The meetings with Debbie helped me see how many of my poor decisions were a result of the choice to have the abortion so many years ago. I thought it was all behind me but I carried that pain through every part of my life until I could look at it once again with God and allow Him to heal me.
Why choose Healing Hidden Hurts? Well, HHH offers one-on-one coaching and allowed me space to unravel all the years that had passed. I’m a grandmother now, so this was a long time ago yet it still haunted me. The prayer support that HHH offers was tremendous---I had a 30 minute drive to meet Debbie and there could have been many reasons not to go but the prayers lifted and carried me there to heal….even when I didn’t want to go. I heard somewhere that we are only as sick as our secrets and I don’t want any secrets with God. He already knows everything but I want us to have a relationship that is honest and clear and HHH helped me toward that journey. The journey is safe; the journey is comforting and it can be life-saving! If you know someone who struggles with their past decision to have an abortion, or perhaps it is you who still feels that empty feeling…..let God walk you through this journey to heal those hidden hurts. You will find rest for your weary soul!
- FSW
When it seemed there was no way I could be set free from the pain of my past, the Lord brought me this step by step process for healing. I had hoped it would be quick and easy but instead I found myself on a journey to a deeper relationship with God.
The individual care and encouragement from someone who had “been there” was invaluable to me. Each time we met we peeled away layer after layer of denial and hurt. Confession and repentance was not enough to release me from the self-condemnation I had imprisoned myself in. My healing came when I stopped running and allowed God to bring me face to face with my mistakes. This took a commitment of time and trust. It is so wonderful to be able to pray again.
- WS
I am not sure when I first connected my depression to my abortion. It may have been when it dawned on me that MAYBE the reason I felt so down around the Christmas season is because that would have been the approximate time of my baby's birth, had I continued the pregnancy. Even though I had my abortion over two decades ago, the depression over the past several years seemed to worsen.
I knew it was an issue that needed resolved, but I wasn't quite sure how to go about resolving it. I also had a strong desire to grow closer to God, but always felt that there was something keeping me from having that close relationship with Him that I wanted. I prayed often, "Lord, if there is anything that is keeping me from drawing closer to You, please help me remove it from my life." I had been praying like this for some time, and as Debbie suggested, God probably said, "Have I got a Program for you!" The way everything fell into place, there is no doubt in my mind that it was by God's divine plan that I came to know about this Ten-Step Program, and it was all in His perfect timing. There were times in the process when I wondered if the Program was going to work for me, but I just reminded myself that God brought me there, and He does everything for a purpose.
I really appreciated that this program was God-centered. Each meeting began and ended with Scripture verses being read, and personal prayer. It gave me such peace to hear Debbie's prayers for our meetings and her prayers for me personally, to be helped and healed, and to know that the Holy Spirit was in charge.
This whole Program was such a blessing for me. Simply having someone to talk to about my abortion was extremely helpful, but doing it through this Ten-Step Program was the perfect start to my healing. Even though at times it was emotionally difficult, it was well worth every Step.
All of the Steps were very helpful, but I had a real turning point after Steps Eight (Forgiveness) and Nine (The Baby). After praying the prayer of forgiveness in Step Eight for those people in my life that I needed to forgive, I felt such peace. I don't know how else to describe it except that I felt lighter when I left our meeting that night. After Step Nine, it was no longer just a pregnancy that I terminated, but a child that I had come to love. I still think of my child often, but it is no longer with guilt, but with peace and love.
I know that my healing is just beginning, but I also know that it is off to a great start. When I thank God for all He has done for me, I feel a joy inside, something that I had not felt in many years. One of the last Scripture verses that was used in the Program was Philippians 1:6, "For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will see it perfected until the day of Christ Jesus." This verse is one that has always been reassuring to me, and is so now more than ever.
I want to share with you the effectiveness of the 10-step process. Recently a woman read a letter she had written to the father of her baby as a follow-up to the 8th step, forgiveness. My tears flowed as I heard what she had written. This woman was angry and bitter when she began this process, and as she finishes she is at peace, has forgiven and wishes him well. Wow! The grace of God accomplishes great things!
—Debbie Miller
Dear John,
I can’t believe I’m writing to you after all these years. You have no clue how your actions or, should I say, inactions have caused chaos in my life. I am 39 years old now – not the 16 yr. old you knew. I am finally in counseling to try to heal some of the hurt and pain from losing our child, June 16, 1982. Yes, I lost our child to abortion on that day – 22 years ago. Sometimes the pain is so sharp and gut wrenching it feels like yesterday. Your decision to leave me at a time when I desperately needed help left me feeling acutely abandoned, scared and so lonely. I could not and still can’t see how you could turn your back on me when I felt we truly loved each other. I know I loved you and really believed you loved me – otherwise I would never had allowed you so close to me in body and heart. I do believe your feelings for me were of true love – you were just too young and too scared to stand up and take responsibility for your actions. How very sad for all of us. I wish we could have stayed
together and tried to make a family. We would have had tons of support from our families as soon as they
got used to the idea. But that’s not what happened. The day my mom discovered I was pregnant, my aunt
was visiting us, and she told my mom she should take me to have an abortion – “quickly, so it’s not too late.” There are times I prayed it would have been too late. I would have given birth to our son. Yes, I always knew it was a boy, and his name is Jacob; and we could have done our best to stay together and raise him. Needless to say, that never happened. The abortion I had has played havoc to my life. I have suffered so much from the guilt, shame, anger and depression because of what I did. The recovery process I have been going through for several weeks now has shown me how to let go of
the guilt, to forgive myself as well as everyone I have held in my heart, in contempt, because of the abortion - those who were connected in one way or another. I always felt that I tried to live a good life and I always loved Our Lord, but I still felt I would go to hell when I died because I committed the ultimate sin of murder, and it was our own child that I killed! My facilitator has shown me through love, support and amazing passages from the Bible that God loves me so very much as His child and wants to take all this from me if I will let go and give it to Him. I finally, truly have. I feel such a weight has been lifted from my soul and that is something only God can do. It is also something I wish for you. Maybe it’s not anything that you think of often, but I know it has probably bothered you from time to time over the years. I hope you still go to church and praise Our Lord. I hope you have no hopelessness or bitterness in your heart. I would like for you to acknowledge your hurt, the confusion and fear you experienced at that time. I hope you feel you can ask God’s forgiveness and even go to confession.
Lastly, I hope you know I loved you once and a part of me probably always will. I hope you have gone on in your life and found true love and had children to complete your life. God has blessed me with my dear husband of 20 years and blessed us with an amazing son and precious daughter. But I can’t, nor ever will I forget my first child, our child, little Jacob, who waits for me in heaven in the arms of Our Savior.
- Mary
(Printed with permission. The names have been changed to protect the privacy of the individuals.)
Clare’s Story
‘Clare’ is an assumed name to share her story.
Like so many other men and women, I believed that having an abortion would correct what I viewed to be a mistake. Never in my wildest dreams did I consider my child to be a blessing.
In the days and years that followed my abortion I lived in deep pain and in total darkness. Right at the moment when my soul was in the pits of despair and I was overcome with the most indescribable agony, by divine grace, I was introduced to the 10-Step Program.
I had no idea what to anticipate and literally felt I was being led down an unknown path blindfolded. For me, the journey was like a boat ride going through un-chartered waters and it was clearly the Holy Spirit in the captain’s seat.
The experience was not all together a pleasant one, as this boat encountered many violent storms and the process demanded undying commitment and relentless faith.
But God is merciful and Jesus used these 10- steps as His vessel for healing my wounds and purifying me from my sins. The program helped me uncover the root causes of my abortion decision and gave me an opportunity to accept God’s forgiveness and healing grace.
It became clear that it was my choice to hold onto or surrender the deeply buried hurts. By the grace of God and with the help of my facilitator, I was able to choose the path of love and forgiveness toward myself and others.
It’s hard for me to believe that these 10-steps could have lead me to the place that I am in today, but the truth is, I am not the same!
I never thought I could be restored and the running waters of God’s love and grace could move through me again. But Jesus, once again, has saved me and this time he used a woman named Debbie Miller and Healing Hidden Hurts 10-Step Program.
Today there is light and peace in my soul. No words can describe my gratitude!
“...be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and put on the new nature, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.” Eph 4: 23